I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
