i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
