I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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