Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
