What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
