That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
