Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
