I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
