just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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