Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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