Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
