dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
