totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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