i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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