the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
