I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
