no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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