Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
