As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
