i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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