i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize