Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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