did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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