I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
