I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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