3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
