just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
