watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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