a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
