You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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