I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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