he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
