Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
