I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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