Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
