I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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