I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
