Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Randomize
