Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
