Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He passed out mid-signature
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize