I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
