I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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