I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
two words: eviction party
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
