Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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