my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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