I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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