I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
