shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
