it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
