I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
