I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
