The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I hate all girls vehemently.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize