I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
