I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
