I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
