If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
