I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
