Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
