The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
